During my recent retreat certification, I discovered that sometimes the real work isn’t about the exercises on the agenda. It’s about the doors inside us we’ve kept closed for years.
I came into the retreat feeling sick and tired. At first, I didn’t know why. As the days unfolded, it became clear. I had been carrying intimacy wounds that I had hidden away for most of my life. And when you keep something behind a closed door long enough, it always finds its way into the rest of the house.
Hiding My Authentic Self
For years in my corporate career, I kept a part of myself hidden. My spiritual side — the side that trusts intuition, writes gratitude for things as if they already happened, and even wraps hard moments in “pink blankets of love.” These were the tools that helped me survive, yet I hid them away. I was afraid of being seen as weird or less intelligent.
What I didn’t realize was that by shutting the door on this part of myself, I was also shutting out connection, joy, and possibility.
Silent Wounds We Don’t Talk About
There are other doors too — the ones that guard our deepest wounds. We show up, power through, and keep producing, all while carrying pain that no one sees. Trauma convinces us to reject parts of ourselves, but just because it’s hidden doesn’t mean it’s gone. It shapes how we connect with others, even when we don’t realize it.
Intimacy and the Blame We Carry
For a long time, I blamed intimacy struggles on menopause. But the truth is, the numbness had been there long before. Trauma told me it was my fault. It wasn’t. I didn’t know better, and I couldn’t have known better. Yet I carried that blame quietly, behind a door I didn’t want to open.
Closing the door didn’t erase it. It only meant it showed up in mysterious ways — self-doubt, overworking, invisibility.
Unlocking the Door
At the retreat, I finally faced what I had been keeping locked away. The sickness I carried into the week wasn’t random. It was my body asking me to pay attention. By the end, I had dared to unlock that door.
Now I’m taking one step at a time, curious to see where this new energy leads. It isn’t about rushing. It’s about allowing light to enter spaces that have been closed for too long.
An Invitation
I know I’m not the only one who has kept parts of themselves walled off in order to survive, especially in industries like tech where being vulnerable can feel dangerous.
✨ Reflection for you: If you dared to open one door within yourself today, what possibility might walk through?